BRISTOL COULD EARN $300,000 FOR BABY PICS

Let's hope they stash some of that cash away. With a name like "Tripp", he's going to need some serious therapy someday.

When Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin confirmed that her teenage daughter, Bristol, and boyfriend Levi Johnston were expecting a baby, the celebrity weeklies knew that the first photos of the Palin-Johnston baby would incite a bidding war.

Baby Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston, born Dec. 28, proved those editors right. According to one source, bidding for the baby photos began at $100,000. People won out in the end, but In Touch was the only other weekly to make serious bids, according to several sources involved in the process.

The price didn't soar immediately, according to the sources, because Sarah Palin stories just didn’t sell all that well for the weeklies on newsstands. “Sarah was on the cover of People, Us Weekly, and OK! the same week, and really only People saw a bump in sales," says a source.

The drug-related arrest of Johnston's mother, however, caused the price tag for the photos to go up. “The bidding started well before the baby was born, but once Levi’s mom was arrested — well, then you had a story,” says one editor. As for how much teen parents Bristol and Levi made from the deal — most estimates hover around the $300,000 range (none of the magazines would confirm the exact figure in the end, which is standard).

No word on whether the money will go to charity, as sometimes happens in a celeb baby deal.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF GREEN ACRES

WHERE'S FEMA WHEN YOU NEED THEM?

Desperate Family On Fifth Day Without Cable

AMESBURY, Mass. (CAP) - In a desperate situation reminiscent of the suffering after Hurricane Katrina in 2005, at least one family is entering its fifth day of hardship in the wake of last week's Northeast ice storms.

"At first we thought we'd just make the best of it - we figured, how long could it be?" said Sarah Ianelli. "But today, when I saw my daughter staring at the television and whimpering at the time that Hannah Montana is usually on, I just broke down in tears."

The family lost cable the night of the storm and has been without TV since. Her children - Emily, 9, and Mark, 7 - have tried to occupy themselves with their Nintendo DS, Wii game system, iPods and hundreds of DVDs, but to no avail.

When she's not staring at the blank screen, Sarah reports, Emily is curled up in a ball on the couch; Mark has begun to act out by bouncing himself off walls and furniture and screaming "Poop! Poop!" at the top of his lungs.

"More than usual, I mean," said Sarah.

As for her husband, Jeff, "He was okay until Sunday rolled around," Sarah said. "Then at 1pm, when the game would have been starting, he just wandered off into the snow. I could see him by the edge of the property, tearing his clothes and screaming into the air.

"The screaming..." she trailed off, shaking her head. "My God, the screaming..."

Calls to Comcast, the Ianellis' cable company, have apparently fallen on deaf ears. "We are doing our best to deal with all outages in a timely fashion," said company spokeswoman Melissa Carlisle. "But the Ianellis' hookup is particularly difficult, in that it involves wires and poles and stuff.

"We ask all of our customers to bear with us, and if they have any questions they can contact our call center in Newfoundland, if they have phone service, which they probably don't," she added. "Also, please don't switch to satellite. I can't give you a good reason why, but just don't."

Meanwhile, the Ianellis continue their somber vigil, but it's been difficult. The family reports at one point trying to receive a signal over an old "rabbit ears" antenna, but only being able to get the CW network. "We figured it was better just to have no TV," Sarah Ianelli said.

As for other activities, "Whenever we try to play a board game, we just wind up screaming at each other," said Sarah. "And the kids are bored with all their old DVDs. Why didn't I sign up for Netflix when I had the chance?" Then she broke down into disconsolate sobbing.

"Where is the government?" asked Jeff Ianelli, now wearing a burlap sack and five-day beard. "How can they turn their back on their own people? How?" Then he too began sobbing.

Still, both Sarah and Jeff admitted later, after regaining their composure, that things aren't as bad as they could be. "I know there are people in New Hampshire who've been without power all this time, so I guess that's worse," noted Jeff.

In fact, more than 14,000 households are still without power throughout New England, and surveys show that of those, more than 40 percent have begun resorting to cannibalism.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM SNOWY BEAVERTON

I know this isn't exactly Norman Rockwell, but I posted a few pictures to prove that it does indeed snow in Western Oregon. Much of the Pacific Northwest has been covered by frozen precipitation for the past week and a half. While it is not unusual to receive a few snow events each winter, this year has been most unusual for the amount and the length of time the area has been impacted.

I know this isn't Fargo or Buffalo, so I know we will eventually dig out.

STUPID CRIMINALS

RICHLAND, Wash. -- Police arrested two men suspected of breaking into boats at the Sun Down Marina in Richland by following footsteps in the snow from the marina to a house.

Police obtained a search warrant yesterday and made the arrests.

KEPR-TV reports the marina has been hit by burglars three times in recent weeks with thousands of dollars worth of radio and other equipment stolen.

BUSH OKAYS $4B TO BAIL OUT MATCHBOX, HOT WHEELS

WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Bush has announced a rescue plan for Matchbox and Hot Wheels that will make just over $4 billion in federal loans available to essentially bail out the die cast toy car industry. The move comes on the heels of Bush's plan to loan automakers GM and Chrysler $13 billion from the Wall Street bailout fund.

"Desperate times calls for desperate measurizations," Bush told reporters as he made the announcement. "And I'm a desperate measurizer. It's my job to help prevent the collapsification of every auto industry, whether big or small."

According to the paperwork filed by the White House, the $4 billion was originally earmarked for the Big Three come February as part of an overall $17.4 billion package to help stabilize the country's largest automakers. However, nobody actually believes the automakers will still be in business come that time, so the Bush administration opted to spend the money now "before Obama gets his paws on it."

"We had a lot of options before us, from Santa to teenagers, but Bush's love for his 1982 General Lee Matchbox car is pretty well known," said White House spokesperson Dana Perino. "He carries that damn thing around with him everywhere he goes, so this seemed like the obvious choice."

Executives for Mattel, which produces both Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars, said they were surprised to hear about the cash assistance, but noted that it couldn't have come at a better time as it would allow the company to recoup the cost of this year's holiday party and bonuses without having to lay off any employees.

"And it looks like our spring golf outing is back on!" said an ecstatic CEO Robert Eckert.

Congressional reaction to the Bush announcement has been fairly subdued since Congress is currently on recess, but that isn't stopping some Democratic lawmakers from vocalizing their concerns and laying the foundation for a new bill that would create the Corporate Relieved Assets Program to limit and govern any future bailouts.

"The Democrats have been trying to get CRAP through the House and Senate for quite a while now," said Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI), who plans to re-introduce the bill when Congress returns to session. "And come January, we will renew our focus on nothing but CRAP.

"The American people need and deserve CRAP, and as Democrats, it is out job to make sure they get it," added Levin.

White House officials say Bush is considering another smaller bailout of the auto accessory industry, especially "companies that make those grippy things that go on steering wheels" and fuzzy dice manufacturers.

$1.6 BILLION WENT TO BAILED-OUT BANK EXECS

Banks that are getting taxpayer bailouts awarded their top executives nearly $1.6 billion in salaries, bonuses, and other benefits last year, an Associated Press analysis reveals.

The rewards came even at banks where poor results last year foretold the economic crisis that sent them to Washington for a government rescue. Some trimmed their executive compensation due to lagging bank performance, but still forked over multimillion-dollar executive pay packages.

Benefits included cash bonuses, stock options, personal use of company jets and chauffeurs, home security, country club memberships and professional money management, the AP review of federal securities documents found.

The total amount given to nearly 600 executives would cover bailout costs for many of the 116 banks that have so far accepted tax dollars to boost their bottom lines.

Rep. Barney Frank, chairman of the House Financial Services committee and a long-standing critic of executive largesse, said the bonuses tallied by the AP review amount to a bribe "to get them to do the jobs for which they are well paid in the first place.

"Most of us sign on to do jobs and we do them best we can," said Frank, a Massachusetts Democrat. "We're told that some of the most highly paid people in executive positions are different. They need extra money to be motivated!"

The AP compiled total compensation based on annual reports that the banks file with the Securities and Exchange Commission. The 116 banks have so far received $188 billion in taxpayer help. Among the findings:

-The average paid to each of the banks' top executives was $2.6 million in salary, bonuses and benefits.

-Lloyd Blankfein, president and chief executive officer of Goldman Sachs, took home nearly $54 million in compensation last year. The company's top five executives received a total of $242 million.

This year, Goldman will forgo cash and stock bonuses for its seven top-paid executives. They will work for their base salaries of $600,000, the company said. Facing increasing concern by its own shareholders on executive payments, the company described its pay plan last spring as essential to retain and motivate executives "whose efforts and judgments are vital to our continued success, by setting their compensation at appropriate and competitive levels." Goldman spokesman Ed Canaday declined to comment beyond that written report.

The New York-based company on Dec. 16 reported its first quarterly loss since it went public in 1999. It received $10 billion in taxpayer money on Oct. 28.

-Even where banks cut back on pay, some executives were left with seven- or eight-figure compensation that most people can only dream about. Richard D. Fairbank, the chairman of Capital One Financial Corp., took a $1 million hit in compensation after his company had a disappointing year, but still got $17 million in stock options. The McLean, Va.-based company received $3.56 billion in bailout money on Nov. 14.

-John A. Thain, chief executive officer of Merrill Lynch, topped all corporate bank bosses with $83 million in earnings last year. Thain, a former chief operating officer for Goldman Sachs, took the reins of the company in December 2007, avoiding the blame for a year in which Merrill lost $7.8 billion. Since he began work late in the year, he earned $57,692 in salary, a $15 million signing bonus and an additional $68 million in stock options.

Like Goldman, Merrill got $10 billion from taxpayers on Oct. 28.

The AP review comes amid sharp questions about the banks' commitment to the goals of the Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP), a law designed to buy bad mortgages and other troubled assets. Last month, the Bush administration changed the program's goals, instructing the Treasury Department to pump tax dollars directly into banks in a bid to prevent wholesale economic collapse.

The program set restrictions on some executive compensation for participating banks, but did not limit salaries and bonuses unless they had the effect of encouraging excessive risk to the institution. Banks were barred from giving golden parachutes to departing executives and deducting some executive pay for tax purposes.

Banks that got bailout funds also paid out millions for home security systems, private chauffeured cars, and club dues. Some banks even paid for financial advisers. Wells Fargo of San Francisco, which took $25 billion in taxpayer bailout money, gave its top executives up to $20,000 each to pay personal financial planners.

At Bank of New York Mellon Corp., chief executive Robert P. Kelly's stipend for financial planning services came to $66,748, on top of his $975,000 salary and $7.5 million bonus. His car and driver cost $178,879. Kelly also received $846,000 in relocation expenses, including help selling his home in Pittsburgh and purchasing one in Manhattan, the company said.

Goldman Sachs' tab for leased cars and drivers ran as high as $233,000 per executive. The firm told its shareholders this year that financial counseling and chauffeurs are important in giving executives more time to focus on their jobs.

JPMorgan Chase chairman James Dimon ran up a $211,182 private jet travel tab last year when his family lived in Chicago and he was commuting to New York. The company got $25 billion in bailout funds.

Banks cite security to justify personal use of company aircraft for some executives. But Rep. Brad Sherman, D-Calif., questioned that rationale, saying executives visit many locations more vulnerable than the nation's security-conscious commercial air terminals.

Sherman, a member of the House Financial Services Committee, said pay excesses undermine development of good bank economic policies and promote an escalating pay spiral among competing financial institutions - something particularly hard to take when banks then ask for rescue money.

He wants them to come before Congress, like the automakers did, and spell out their spending plans for bailout funds.

"The tougher we are on the executives that come to Washington, the fewer will come for a bailout," he said

I COULDN'T PASS THIS ONE UP

msnbc.com news services

updated 8:25 a.m. PT, Fri., Dec. 19, 2008

The mother of Levi Johnston, the 18-year-old boyfriend of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's teenage daughter, has been arrested on drug charges, the Anchorage Daily News reported Friday.

Sherry L. Johnston, 42, has been charged with six felony counts of misconduct, the newspaper reported.

Levi Johnston entered the national spotlight this autumn when it was revealed that 18-year-old Bristol Palin — the eldest daughter of Sarah Palin, who had just been tapped as then-Republican presidential nominee John McCain's running mate — was pregnant with his child

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The paper said that Alaska State Troopers charged Sherry Johnston with second-degree misconduct involving a controlled substance and fourth-degree misconduct involving controlled substances, or possession.

Sherry Johnston has been released on a $5,000 bond, the newspaper reported.

Contacted by the Anchorage Daily News, Palin's spokesman, Bill McAllister, issued this statement: "This is not a state government matter. Therefore the governor's communications staff will not be providing comment or scheduling interview opportunities."

MOVEON'S TOP GOALS FOR 2009

http://pol.moveon.org/2009/agenda/results/ (Check out this website!)



On December 17th, MoveOn members began 2 days of voting to decide our top goals for 2009. Each member was able to vote for 3 goals. Here are the final results, with the percentage of members who included each goal in their top 3. The graph below shows how many votes each goal received, as a share of the total.


1. Universal health care 64.9%

2. Economic recovery and job creation 62.1%

3. Build a green economy, stop climate change 49.6%

4. End the war in Iraq 48.3%

5. Improve public schools 21.6%

6. Restore civil liberties 16.8%

7. Hold the Bush Administration accountable 15.2%

8. Gay rights/LGBT equality 8.6%

9. Increase access to higher education 7.6%

10. Reform campaigns and elections 5.7%

OUR DISIMFORMED ELECTORATE

We saw more aggressive fact-checking by journalists in this election than ever before. Unfortunately, as a post-election Annenberg Public Policy Center poll confirms, millions of voters were bamboozled anyway.

By Kathleen Hall Jamieson and Brooks Jackson | factcheck.org

More than half of U.S. adults (52 percent) said the claim that Sen. Barack Obama's tax plan would raise taxes on most small businesses is truthful, when in fact only a small percentage would see any increase

More than two in five (42.3 percent) found truth in the claim that Sen. John McCain planned to "cut more than 800 billion dollars in Medicare payments and cut benefits," even though McCain made clear he had no intent to cut benefits.

The first falsehood was peddled to voters by McCain throughout his campaign, and the second was made in a pair of ads run heavily in the final weeks of the campaign by Obama.

These aren't isolated examples. One in four (25.6 percent) of those who earned too little to have seen any tax increase under Obama's plan nevertheless believed that he intended to "increase your own federal income taxes," accepting McCain's repeated claims that "painful" tax hikes were being proposed on "families." Nearly two in five (39.8 percent) thought McCain had said he would keep troops in combat in Iraq for up to 100 years, though he'd actually spoken of a peacetime presence such as that in Japan or South Korea. Close to one in three (31 percent) believed widely disseminated claims that Obama would give Social Security or health care benefits to illegal immigrants, when in fact he would do neither.

We're not surprised. As we wrote in "unSpun: finding facts in a world of disinformation," the same thing happened in 2004 when majorities of voters believed untrue things that had been fed to them by the Bush and Kerry campaigns.

One reason is obvious: Political ads run thousands of times and reach far more people than articles on FactCheck.org. On our best day, we were read by 462,678 visitors. By contrast, the Obama campaign aired two ads claiming that McCain planned to cut Medicare benefits a total of 17,614 times at a cost estimated to be more than $7 million – which is several times more than FactCheck.org's entire annual budget.

There are deeper reasons as well. We humans all have a basic disposition to embrace our side's arguments and reject or ignore those offered by an opponent. Our polling reflects that. After taking differences in age, race, gender and education into account, Republicans were still 4.4 times more likely than Democrats to believe that Obama would raise taxes on most small businesses, and Democrats were 3.2 times more likely than Republicans to believe that McCain would cut Medicare benefits. Simply put, partisanship trumps evidence.

This also helps explain why so many people accept the most preposterous claims circulated by chain e-mail messages and ignorant or irresponsible bloggers. Our poll found nearly one in five (19 percent) falsely think Obama is a Muslim, and even more (22 percent) find truth in the claim that he's nearly half Arab. Republicans were 2.8 times more likely than Democrats to buy the Muslim claim, and just over twice as likely to swallow the half-Arab notion.

This is "group think" in action. We humans tend to marry, date, befriend and talk with people who already agree with us, and hence are less likely to say, "Wait a minute – that's just not true."

Consultants also dupe us by exploiting our partisan preconceptions. People tend to believe Democrats are more likely than Republicans to raise taxes, so McCain was pushing on an open door when he repeatedly claimed Obama would raise taxes on ordinary voters, and not just the most affluent. By the same token, Obama found it easy to sell his bogus claim that McCain planned to cut Medicare benefits by 22 percent, because Republicans have a reputation as opponents of social programs.

Voters aren't highly knowledgeable about government to begin with. Our poll shows that nearly one in three (31 percent) think Congress or the president, not the Supreme Court, have the final call on whether laws are constitutional. Nearly one in 10 (9.9 percent) think Republicans still control the House of Representatives, even though they've had two years to catch up on results of the 2006 elections.

And voters, once deceived, tend to stay that way despite all evidence. Nearly half in our poll (46 percent) agreed that Saddam Hussein played a role in the attacks of September 11, even though no solid evidence has ever emerged to support this notion.

None of this bodes well for the future, in our view. Spending hundreds of millions of dollars on campaigns that systematically disinform the public can only make the task of governing harder for the eventual winner. But are we discouraged that our efforts didn't prevent this? Not at all. If we hadn't tried, it might have been worse.

Kathleen Hall Jamieson is director of the University of Pennsylvania's Annenberg Public Policy Center. Brooks Jackson is director of the APPC project FactCheck.org. They are co-authors of "unSpun, finding facts in a world of disinformation."

The Annenberg post-election poll was conducted by Princeton Survey Research Associates International, which interviewed 3,008 adults in the continental United States by telephone from Nov. 5 through Nov. 18, 2008. The margin of sampling error for the complete set of weighted data is ±2.3 percent.

© 2008

PORTLAND WOULDN'T BE THE SAME WITHOUT THIS GUY

If you look up the word "icon" in the dictionary, there should be a picture of Tom Peterson.

I GUESS WE'RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE: CARS ATTEMPT TO SCALE STEEP PORTLAND STREET

Cars Sliding on Icy Hill

Portland man's video of slip, slidding, spinning cars a smash

It was bound to happen.

Whenever the Portland area gets waylaid by snow, there's always an amateur videographer, usually living near a steep street, who captures some poor driver's agony of defeat on the ice. The video is then uploaded to the Internet and that sucker goes viral.

This week's winner of the award for "Best Portland Slip, Slide and Spin Seen 'Round the World": Southwest Waterfront resident Bob Cronk.

Monday, Cronk looked out his condo window and spotted a set of cars trying and failing - and trying and failing again, and again, and again - to get up a little hill to Southwest Macadam Avenue. Up and down, up and down they went.

For humorous effect, Cronk, a business manager for a local law firm, sped up the video and added some goofy chase-scene music courtesy of "Yakety Sax." He then posted it to iReport on CNN.com. As of this morning, 159,863 people have viewed the video.

He's getting rave reviews on the iReport site. One poster says it's among the best videos of 2008 on iReport.

"This is such an amazing video," comments "scanneec," "The amazing thing is that there is not ONE accident that occurred. And there are several times were vehicles are sliding down the hill and others are passing by gunning up the hill. Being an employee of an auto insurance company I am truly amazed that there are people that can drive out there!!"

Oh yeah, well just wait until the amateur videos starting landing from Seattle today. If there's one place that has a harder time steering through the snow than Portland, it's our big sister to the north.

Cronk isn't letting the sudden popularity of his video go to his head. His Facebook status this morning: "Bob Cronk is thinking his 15 minutes are over."

Still, my all-time favorite continues to be "Volvo Driver Learns How to Brake and Fill Out Insurance Forms" from 2004.

-- Joseph Rose; josephrose@news.oregonian.com

PROOF OF MEDIA BIAS

Weather Channel Accused of Pro-Weather Bias

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO GLOBAL WARMING? SNOW FALLS ON LAS VEGAS STRIP

Tourists and residents of Las Vegas alike received quite a shock as a snowstorm blanketed sin city's most famous monuments. It also caused some travel headaches:

The ongoing snowstorm has stopped flights from landing or leaving at McCarran International Airport, according to the Federal Aviation Administration.


"No planes are departing for Las Vegas from anywhere in the U.S. right now," said FAA spokesman Ian Gregor.

Gregor said the airport doesn't have snow removal or deicing equipment, which means there's no way for snow-covered planes to leave safely.

"The forecast is not looking particularly promising for anybody who wants to fly into Las Vegas," he said.

GEORGE W. BUSH'S NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

A GOOD DEED

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Oregonian

It was icy in the West Hills, and the road was steep, and Todd Patterson was driving to the store to buy firewood when he saw an elderly woman in a beat-up maroon sedan, wheels spinning, stuck on the hill.

Patterson, 29, is a student in the Concordia University master's degree program, and someday he wants to teach high school social studies to native Spanish-speaking students. But on Tuesday he just wanted to help. So he pulled his truck to the side of the road, skated to the rear bumper and started pushing along with another man who had stopped to help.

The two men dug in together.

The woman in the car floored the gas pedal, turning the wheel left to right.

Nothing.

Of course, cars drove past. Lots of them. Patterson remembers a speeding Lexus sedan, and some luxury sport utility vehicles that cruised by. And not one of them stopped, slowed down or even rolled down a window to ask if they could help. And so we arrive today with a question: What's the holiday season without a feel-good surprise?

Because the senior in the car was worried about getting home and she was feeling helpless. And the two men pushing were slipping, and losing traction, and looking at each other, getting worried. And all of a sudden, Patterson heard thumping, and bumping, and the sound of blaring hip-hop music coming.

A black luxury SUV coming down the hill slowed, then pulled to the side and stopped. Its windows were tinted. The driver door opened, and a man with a blue walking boot on his left foot stepped out, and tip-toed across the ice to help.

It was Martell Webster.

The Blazers small forward will miss another month of play because of a stress fracture in his left foot. X-rays last week revealed the injury that has kept him out for all but a few minutes of the season isn't improving. So maybe he was acting against medical advice when he stopped to help move that car, but the grandmother who raised Webster with good values and a love for others would tell you he was just doing what he was taught.

"It was the way I was raised," Webster said. "If someone needs help, you stop and help them."

Webster got there, the car got going. The senior floored it, sped up the hill and disappeared over the crest. The other man helping walked off, too. But Patterson just stood there, looking at Webster, wondering how in the world one of the biggest Blazers fans in the city had come face to face on the hill with a player he loves to cheer for.

Said Patterson: "I'd just watched a bunch of rich people in cars blow us off, and now I've got Martell telling me to have a Merry Christmas."

Maybe you think it's nothing that Webster stopped, risked a little injury, and maybe had his team worried, or maybe you do. What you can't ever forget is that a couple of seasons ago, Portland center Dale Davis was fined because he refused to walk down his icy driveway during a winter storm. He missed the team bus.

When I asked Webster about stopping to help the stranded motorist, his question to me was, "Which one?" He had helped free a second stranded motorist in Tualatin earlier Tuesday.

It's been said that Webster hasn't made a contribution this season, but there's a senior citizen somewhere in this city who would disagree with that.

Before Webster left, he shook Patterson's hand. Then he climbed back into his car and was making a U-turn to get on his way when Patterson rolled down his window, reached out and gave Webster a peace sign. Webster rolled down his windows, too, and made the sign back.

Patterson shouted, "You da man, Martell!"

Webster shouted back, "No, you're the man. You stopped first."

STILL MORE WITH PRESIDENT BUSH AND THE FLYING SHOE

JOE FRIDAY TAKES ON THE MOD SQUAD (GEORGE, DICK, AND DONALD)

GEORGE W. BUSH MEETS AUSTIN POWERS

FIRST KATRINA, NOW THIS....MASSIVE SNOWSTORM PUMMELS NEW ORLEANS

"Big Easy" residents awoke on Thursday morning to a rare snowfall in the deep south. At this time, no evacuations have been ordered.

Some are blaming the outgoing Bush administration for this latest incident, however, a White House spokesman said that the President is monitoring the situation and is in close contact with Louisiana officials.

In a goodwill gesture, the city of Minneapolis is sending several snowplows via barge down the Mississippi River. They are expected to arrive sometime late next week.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has dispatched her husband Todd and several of his snowmobiles to the Crescent City. She also is urging neighboring Russia to send aid to the region.

WORLDWIDE RECESSION HAS SPREAD TO THE SOLAR SYSTEM

Saturn as seen from the surface of its moon, Titan

Interplanetary Coalition To Shut Down Saturn

ATLANTA (CAP) - The Atlanta-based Interplanetary Coalition of Celestial Bodies has announced plans to shut down the planet Saturn by sometime in 2009. Close to 2,500 astronomers are expected to be out of a job at that time.

"We feel the decision to close Saturn is in the best interests of the solar system," said ICCB President Donald Zimmerman. "By closing the one planet, we feel we can avoid any sort of reduction in force with regard to the other planets."

A recent study published by the ICCB cited the dwindling numbers of astronomers and a continued decrease in interest in astronomy over the past decade as the main force behind the decision. Early efforts had focused on the possibility of closing Uranus instead.

"We had to look at what both Saturn and Uranus bring to the table, and frankly, Jupiter's got Saturn covered," said Zimmerman. "There is a chance that when we close Saturn, we may rename Uranus to Saturn for some obvious reasons. That decision is still pending."

Zimmerman said every effort will be made to place out of work astronomers with other planets, but added that many would be asked to stay on with Saturn until "the windows are locked and the lights are off."

Preliminary ICCB plans call for each of Saturn's 31 moons to be auctioned off early next year, with the winning bidders then having approximately a year to remove their items from Saturn's rotation. Once each of the moons has been removed, the final step will take place.

"We originally planned to also auction off Saturn itself, but frankly it's just too big to do anything with," said Zimmerman. "So instead we'll be hiring a demolition company to implode the planet. It should be pretty spectacular, and we hope to coordinate it in time for First Night 2010 festivities."

The demolition has been put out to bid, and the ICCB expects to select a company later this year. The Dempsey Auction Company of Rome, GA. has already been hired to handle the auction of the moons.

MORE NEWS SPANNING THE GLOBE

New Portable Sewing Machine Lets Sweatshop Employees Work On The Go

AUTO CEO'S PLANNING POST-BAILOUT BASH

DETROIT, Mich. (CAP) - Executives from General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler are planning a huge blow-out celebration next week to welcome back their CEOs from Capitol Hill and kick-off a new era in auto manufacturing in the United States - a two-day party that industry sources say will come with a price tag of around $4 million.

Spokesmen for the auto companies insist, however, that none of the billions of dollars in government assistance the CEOs intend to secure from Congress will be used for the party. It'll be paid for using funds already in the companies' social events budget.

"Use it or lose, it, right?" said a spokesman for one of the big three. "We cut the company's summer outing down from 16 to 12 days this year and limited executives to two hookers per day because we expected that we'd need to do some tightening," he said.

Safety has always been the U.S. automakers number-one priority, so last month executives gave the green light to create three separate runways near the party for the CEOs to arrive and depart on their private jets, sources said. This way the CEOs can stay away from unsafe commercial airplanes and even more unsafe American-made cars.

The event kicks off with a concert featuring a pair of Detroit music stars, Kid Rock and Eminem. The so-called Bankruptcy Is Not An Option Orgy Of Fun will feature an all-night rave/dance party, private swimming lessons from Michael Phelps, a pitch-and-putt competition versus Tiger Woods, and will conclude with a private football game featuring two undisclosed NFL teams.

"Kickoff to a new era. There are kickoffs in an NFL game. Get it?" said an auto executive. "During this next era of auto making I really think we're going to start putting as much effort into making cars as we do making kick-ass parties - it's exciting."

U.S. automakers' second-highest priority has always been preserving the environment. As a result, the party and concert locations will not run any ozone-depleting air conditioners, and will instead rely on "a few cracked windows" to cool the partygoers.

"It's going to be H-O-T in there, which means some chicks are going to have to get naked!" said a chief financial officer of one of the big three. "I can't wait!"

Congressmen and senators who vote for the bailout will purportedly be eligible for VIP passes to the party. In addition to the concert, the VIP pass holders will have the opportunity to view all of next year's summer blockbuster movies in high-definition surround sound.

"We've got about $2.5 million left in our operating budget and I think this event will be important for America's economic future as we auto companies move closer to the 21st century. We've been talking a lot about what we're going to do when we reach the 21st century and although I don't think any of us will be around to see it, it's going to be exciting."

NA NA HEY HEY GOODBYE!

MICHAEL MOORE TO BIG 3: " WE'RE GOING TO OWN YOUR ASS"

Friends,

I drive an American car. It's a Chrysler. That's not an endorsement. It's more like a cry for pity. And now for a decades-old story, retold ad infinitum by tens of millions of Americans, a third of whom have had to desert their country to simply find a damn way to get to work in something that won't break down:

My Chrysler is four years old. I bought it because of its smooth and comfortable ride. Daimler-Benz owned the company then and had the good grace to place the Chrysler chassis on a Mercedes axle and, man, was that a sweet ride!

When it would start.

More than a dozen times in these years, the car has simply died. Batteries have been replaced, but that wasn't the problem. My dad drives the same model. His car has died many times, too. Just won't start, for no reason at all.

A few weeks ago, I took my Chrysler in to the Chrysler dealer here in northern Michigan -- and the latest fixes cost me $1,400. The next day, the vehicle wouldn't start. When I got it going, the brake warning light came on. And on and on.

You might assume from this that I couldn't give a rat's ass about these miserably inept crapmobile makers down the road in Detroit city. But I do care. I care about the millions whose lives and livelihoods depend on these car companies. I care about the security and defense of this country because the world is running out of oil -- and when it runs out, the calamity and collapse that will take place will make the current recession/depression look like a Tommy Tune musical.

And I care about what happens with the Big 3 because they are more responsible than almost anyone for the destruction of our fragile atmosphere and the daily melting of our polar ice caps.

Congress must save the industrial infrastructure that these companies control and the jobs they create. And it must save the world from the internal combustion engine. This great, vast manufacturing network can redeem itself by building mass transit and electric/hybrid cars, and the kind of transportation we need for the 21st century.

And Congress must do all this by NOT giving GM, Ford and Chrysler the $34 billion they are asking for in "loans" (a few days ago they only wanted $25 billion; that's how stupid they are -- they don't even know how much they really need to make this month's payroll. If you or I tried to get a loan from the bank this way, not only would we be thrown out on our ear, the bank would place us on some sort of credit rating blacklist).

Two weeks ago, the CEOs of the Big 3 were tarred and feathered before a Congressional committee who sneered at them in a way far different than when the heads of the financial industry showed up two months earlier. At that time, the politicians tripped over each other in their swoon for Wall Street and its Ponzi schemers who had concocted Byzantine ways to bet other people's money on unregulated credit default swaps, known in the common vernacular as unicorns and fairies.

But the Detroit boys were from the Midwest, the Rust (yuk!) Belt, where they made real things that consumers needed and could touch and buy, and that continually recycled money into the economy (shocking!), produced unions that created the middle class, and fixed my teeth for free when I was ten.

For all of that, the auto heads had to sit there in November and be ridiculed about how they traveled to D.C. Yes, they flew on their corporate jets, just like the bankers and Wall Street thieves did in October. But, hey, THAT was OK! They're the Masters of the Universe! Nothing but the best chariots for Big Finance as they set about to loot our nation's treasury.

Of course, the auto magnates used be the Masters who ruled the world. They were the pulsating hub that all other industries -- steel, oil, cement contractors -- served. Fifty-five years ago, the president of GM sat on that same Capitol Hill and bluntly told Congress, what's good for General Motors is good for the country. Because, you see, in their minds, GM WAS the country.

What a long, sad fall from grace we witnessed on November 19th when the three blind mice had their knuckles slapped and then were sent back home to write an essay called, "Why You Should Give Me Billions of Dollars of Free Cash." They were also asked if they would work for a dollar a year. Take that! What a big, brave Congress they are! Requesting indentured servitude from (still) three of the most powerful men in the world. This from a spineless body that won't dare stand up to a disgraced president nor turn down a single funding request for a war that neither they nor the American public support. Amazing.

Let me just state the obvious: Every single dollar Congress gives these three companies will be flushed right down the toilet. There is nothing the management teams of the Big 3 are going to do to convince people to go out during a recession and buy their big, gas-guzzling, inferior products. Just forget it. And, as sure as I am that the Ford family-owned Detroit Lions are not going to the Super Bowl -- ever -- I can guarantee you, after they burn through this $34 billion, they'll be back for another $34 billion next summer.

So what to do? Members of Congress, here's what I propose:

1. Transporting Americans is and should be one of the most important functions our government must address. And because we are facing a massive economic, energy and environmental crisis, the new president and Congress must do what Franklin Roosevelt did when he was faced with a crisis (and ordered the auto industry to stop building cars and instead build tanks and planes): The Big 3 are, from this point forward, to build only cars that are not primarily dependent on oil and, more importantly to build trains, buses, subways and light rail (a corresponding public works project across the country will build the rail lines and tracks). This will not only save jobs, but create millions of new ones.

2. You could buy ALL the common shares of stock in General Motors for less than $3 billion. Why should we give GM $18 billion or $25 billion or anything? Take the money and buy the company! (You're going to demand collateral anyway if you give them the "loan," and because we know they will default on that loan, you're going to own the company in the end as it is. So why wait? Just buy them out now.)

3. None of us want government officials running a car company, but there are some very smart transportation geniuses who could be hired to do this. We need a Marshall Plan to switch us off oil-dependent vehicles and get us into the 21st century.

This proposal is not radical or rocket science. It just takes one of the smartest people ever to run for the presidency to pull it off. What I'm proposing has worked before. The national rail system was in shambles in the '70s. The government took it over. A decade later it was turning a profit, so the government returned it to private/public hands, and got a couple billion dollars put back in the treasury.

This proposal will save our industrial infrastructure -- and millions of jobs. More importantly, it will create millions more. It literally could pull us out of this recession.

In contrast, yesterday General Motors presented its restructuring proposal to Congress. They promised, if Congress gave them $18 billion now, they would, in turn, eliminate around 20,000 jobs. You read that right. We give them billions so they can throw more Americans out of work. That's been their Big Idea for the last 30 years -- layoff thousands in order to protect profits. But no one ever stopped to ask this question: If you throw everyone out of work, who's going to have the money to go out and buy a car?

These idiots don't deserve a dime. Fire all of them, and take over the industry for the good of the workers, the country and the planet.

What's good for General Motors IS good for the country. Once the country is calling the shots.
Yours,
Michael Moore

YOU KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A CRUMMY DAY WHEN...

Cop shoots himself after gun-safety lesson

Ohio police chief injured following bid to teach daughter about firearms

MONROE, Ohio - A top cop mistakenly shot himself in the thigh after giving his daughter a lesson in gun safety, police said.

Middletown police Chief Greg Schwarber, 54, was preparing to clean his Glock .45-caliber pistol on Friday and didn't realize the gun was still loaded, according to a police report.

Written by officers from neighboring Monroe, the report said the bullet entered Schwarber's leg just above the knee.

When officers arrived, they found the chief lying on the floor with a towel covering his leg. Schwarber was taken to a hospital for treatment.

ISN'T THIS WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT: THREE KILLED IN HOLIDAY SHOPPING MAYHEM NATIONWIDE

Two people were killed in a shooting inside a Southern California Toys "R" Us store on the busiest shopping day of the year, authorities said.

The violence erupted on Black Friday, the traditional post-Thanksgiving start of the holiday shopping surge, but accounts of what occurred inside the store were fragmentary or second hand and it was not clear whether it involved any shopping frenzy.

The Palm Desert Police Department received calls of shots fired around 11:35 a.m., Riverside County sheriff's Sgt. Dennis Gutierrez said. He said officers were still investigating what prompted the gunshots.

Immediately after the shooting, about 20 people rushed into the World Gym across the street from Toys "R" Us, the gym's assistant manager Glenn Splain told The Associated Press in a telephone interview.

"They were crying, tearing and shaking," Splain said, adding that one woman came in cradling a baby.

"Some people got into a fight," said Splain, who spoke with some of the customers. "One of the guys here thought it was over a toy, but it got louder and louder and then there were gunshots."

Sarah Pacia of Cathedral City told The Desert Sun newspaper she was in the store with her two boys, ages 4 and 6, looking at coloring books when she heard a commotion in the next aisle. She thought it was people rushing to get a sale item. Then she heard three or four shots.

She said she froze, and store employees calmly escorted her out of the store.

"This is Toys "R" Us. There are kids shopping in there," Pacia said. Her son Jayden, 4, was clinging to her leg. He told her he didn't want to die, she said.

Toys "R" Us officials did not immediately return calls seeking comment.

Palm Desert is about 120 miles east of Los Angeles.

Across the nation in New York, a Wal-Mart worker was also killed Friday after an "out of control" throng of shoppers eager for post-Thanksgiving bargains broke down the doors at a suburban store and knocked him to the ground, police said.

At least four other people, including a woman eight months pregnant, were taken to hospitals for observation or minor injuries, and the store in Valley Stream on Long Island closed for several hours before reopening.

Nassau police said about 2,000 people were gathered outside the store doors at the mall about 20 miles east of Manhattan. The impatient crowd knocked the man to the ground as he opened the doors, leaving a metal portion of the frame crumpled like an accordion.

"This crowd was out of control," said Nassau police spokesman Lt. Michael Fleming. He described the scene as "utter chaos."

Dozens of store employees trying to fight their way out to help the man were also getting trampled by the crowd, Fleming said. Witnesses said that even as the worker lay on the ground, shoppers streamed into the store, stepping over him.

Kimberly Cribbs, who witnessed the stampede, said shoppers were acting like "savages."

"When they were saying they had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling 'I've been on line since yesterday morning,'" she said. "They kept shopping."

The 34-year-old man was taken to a hospital, where he was pronounced dead at about 6 a.m., police said. The exact cause of death has not been determined, and the man's name was not released.

A 28-year-old pregnant woman was taken to a hospital, where she and the baby were reported to be OK, said police Sgt. Anthony Repalone. At least three other people were taken to hospitals with minor injuries.

Police said criminal charges were possible in the case, but Fleming said it would be difficult to identify individual shoppers. Authorities were reviewing surveillance video.

Wal-Mart Stores Inc., based in Bentonville, Ark., called the incident a "tragic situation" and said the employee came from a temporary agency and was doing maintenance work at the store.

"The safety and security of our customers and associates is our top priority," said Dan Fogleman, a company spokesman. "At this point, facts are still being assembled and we are working closely with the Nassau County Police as they investigate what occurred."

I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN SOMEDAY: DRIVER SMASHES INTO CEDAR HILLS AND JENKINS JACK IN THE BOX

By ERIC ADAMS, Kgw.com Staff

PORTLAND, Ore. -- A driver trying to evade police on Thursday evening instead crashed into a Beaverton Jack In The Box, leaving one woman with a broken leg.

A Washington County sheriff’s deputy reported trying to pull over Domitilo Chavez-Gallardo, a 28-year-old Aloha resident, about 5:30 p.m. Thursday, after receiving a call that he'd threatened another driver.

But Chavez-Gallardo refused to pull over. Instead he accelerated and eventually crashed into the Jack In The Box fast food restaurant at 2920 SW Cedar Hills Blvd.

Deputies said Chavez-Gallardo then ran away from the crash. They had to use a Taser to subdue him.

His Ford Explorer came to a stop about 20 feet into the restaurant, sheriffs said, and a woman inside broke her leg trying to get out of the way.

"Suddenly, we saw a car coming and the police were chasing that car and there was a huge sound coming -- and we were just scared," said Pompa Roy, a witness to the wreck.

Three people were inside the SUV when it crashed.

One passenger was taken to the hospital along with the woman that broke her leg.

Officers don't know why the man refused to stop but suspect he may have been driving under the influence.

His only known offense prior to the wreck was driving with a suspended license.

Sheriffs said Chavez-Gallardo would be charged with assault, felony hit-and-run, attempting to elude police and DUI, driving while suspended and criminal mischief.

Tualatin Valley Fire and Rescue helped shore up the Jack In The Box's walls after the vehicle was removed.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING........MAHALO

NEW HOME FOR THE NEW YORK METS RENAMED TAXPAYER FIELD

NEW YORK -- Two New York City Council members say that Citigroup should show its thanks for a federal bailout by sharing the naming rights to the new Mets ballpark in Queens.

The struggling bank is slated to pay $400 million over the next 20 years to name the stadium Citi Field.

The bank made the commitment years ago, when it was flush with cash. Now that Citigroup is getting billions of dollars in federal aid, Staten Island Republicans Vincent Ignizio and James Oddo say the ballpark's name should be changed to Citi/Taxpayer Field.

Citigroup and Mets chief operating officer Jeff Wilpon have been saying that they have no plan to alter the naming-rights deal for the ballpark, which hosts its regular-season opener April 13.

TREASURY DEPARTMENT MISTAKENLY BAILS OUT SPERM BANK

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In what is the most damning evidence to date that the U.S. Treasury department's $700 billion bailout of the nation's financial institutions is faltering, a CAP News investigative report revealed yesterday that a $6.5-billion capital injection was sent to Sacramento CryoBank, one of the nation's largest sperm banks.

A Treasury official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told CAP news that although the intern who typed up the list of the eligible banks was always very professional and brought a lot of enthusiasm to his projects, his attention to detail "did need some work." He said the department will review the rest of the list and delete any other sperm banks on the list, and river banks, for that matter.

"In the meantime, we're going to let this go through," the source said. "We've got a sticky note on the list reminding us that when we go back to Congress in a few months for more money that we tack on another $6.5 billion to cover the misappropriation."

Through its Troubled Asset Relief Program legislation the Treasury department has already committed close to $300 billion dollars to banks, including $115 to Goldman Sachs Group Inc., Citigroup Inc., and Bank of America Corp. But the government has not provided details about how the allotments are decided and which banks are eligible.

CryoBank president Warren Duncan says he doesn't care how his facility became eligible. He was pleasantly surprised by the $6.5 billion his bank received and he's working to put the funds to good use.

"I won't have to hear any more complaints about the 14-year-old copies of Juggs in our client donor rooms, that's for sure," he said. "We've just installed 72-inch high-def plasma televisions, and we've got Blu-Ray porn running all day."

He said that they've revised their projected client totals for the year and they also plan to restart their marketing campaign to lure celebrity donors to the facility.

"The celebrity donors always generate a lot of interest, and our modest push last year was successful," he said. "But as great as it's been having Steven Baldwin stop by two or three times a week, I think we can bring in a few others."

Duncan has also extended the invitation to members of Congress. He's purchased engraved cups especially for them, and he hopes they'll make another donation on top of the giant wad they've already given him.

EVERYONE IS JUMPING ON BOARD TO COLLECT GOVERNMENT BAILOUT

Congress Considers Teenager Bailout Plan

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Separate measures before the House and the Senate that would provide $600 million to help bail out America's teenage population could be voted on as early as next week. The biggest hurdle facing each bill is a rider stipulating that the teens must perform chores in order to receive their share of the bailout.

"This will address one of the central problems plaguing our financial system," President Bush said as he announced his support of the bailout. "Teens have been unable to borrow money from their parents and that has constricted their ability to spend at their normal pace."

Bush said with the jobless rate nearing record highs and teenager confidence hitting record lows, America's youth are finding allowances slashed and curfews shortened as parents struggle not only to keep their families afloat financially but also keep their children from "being bored out of their skulls."

"Let's face it - a teenager's spending habits have far-reaching ramifications," said Sen. Mike Crapo (R-ID). "When teens don't have money to spend, we feel it at the malls, at the movies, at the liquor stores.

"Sure, we could just earmark the funds for those industries directly," Crapo noted, "but by funneling the money through our teenagers, it also helps keep them out of our hair."

According to polls conducted on various social networking sites, teenagers are overwhelmingly in favor of the bailout, although poor reading comprehension and mathematical skills are lending to a variety of interpretations as to just how beneficial the government assistance will be.

"I'm really hoping this money will help me land on my feet," said 16-year-old Shawn Westover, whose parents recently dropped him off at a hospital in Omaha, Neb. and then sped away. "If not, a new Xbox 360 would be pretty cool."

Mothers Against Everything, outspoken critics of the measure, say the reasons being given in support of the bill are the exact same reasons why it should be soundly defeated. MAE spokesperson Darlene Fortenski said they chose the confusing non-argument argument approach because "we're mothers and that's what mothers do."

Proponents of the measure say if it is successful, the move could pave the way for a tooth fairy bailout bill that has been stuck in committee for the past month.

ROSS WREDE REQUESTS $1 BILLION FROM GOVERNMENT BAILOUT

Ross Wrede, an upstanding citizen and usually a real nice guy, contacted his congressional delegation today requesting one billion dollars from the federal government's $700 billion bailout.

"If the automakers, banks, and just about every business in America can get a piece of the big pie, I figure I might as well get my part of the action too." said Mr. Wrede from his Beaverton, OR home. " One billion dollars would pay off my mortgage and a few other bills I have. With Christmas coming up, I could buy some great gifts for my friends and family. I'd do my best to stimulate the retail sector which has been in the doldrums as of late."

Oregon Congressman David Wu who represents Mr. Wrede was unavailable for comment. Oregon Senator Ron Wyden made this brief statement: "Sounds like a great idea to me. I wonder if I can apply for some of this money too. I will have to check that out."