NEW HOME FOR THE NEW YORK METS RENAMED TAXPAYER FIELD

NEW YORK -- Two New York City Council members say that Citigroup should show its thanks for a federal bailout by sharing the naming rights to the new Mets ballpark in Queens.

The struggling bank is slated to pay $400 million over the next 20 years to name the stadium Citi Field.

The bank made the commitment years ago, when it was flush with cash. Now that Citigroup is getting billions of dollars in federal aid, Staten Island Republicans Vincent Ignizio and James Oddo say the ballpark's name should be changed to Citi/Taxpayer Field.

Citigroup and Mets chief operating officer Jeff Wilpon have been saying that they have no plan to alter the naming-rights deal for the ballpark, which hosts its regular-season opener April 13.

TREASURY DEPARTMENT MISTAKENLY BAILS OUT SPERM BANK

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In what is the most damning evidence to date that the U.S. Treasury department's $700 billion bailout of the nation's financial institutions is faltering, a CAP News investigative report revealed yesterday that a $6.5-billion capital injection was sent to Sacramento CryoBank, one of the nation's largest sperm banks.

A Treasury official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told CAP news that although the intern who typed up the list of the eligible banks was always very professional and brought a lot of enthusiasm to his projects, his attention to detail "did need some work." He said the department will review the rest of the list and delete any other sperm banks on the list, and river banks, for that matter.

"In the meantime, we're going to let this go through," the source said. "We've got a sticky note on the list reminding us that when we go back to Congress in a few months for more money that we tack on another $6.5 billion to cover the misappropriation."

Through its Troubled Asset Relief Program legislation the Treasury department has already committed close to $300 billion dollars to banks, including $115 to Goldman Sachs Group Inc., Citigroup Inc., and Bank of America Corp. But the government has not provided details about how the allotments are decided and which banks are eligible.

CryoBank president Warren Duncan says he doesn't care how his facility became eligible. He was pleasantly surprised by the $6.5 billion his bank received and he's working to put the funds to good use.

"I won't have to hear any more complaints about the 14-year-old copies of Juggs in our client donor rooms, that's for sure," he said. "We've just installed 72-inch high-def plasma televisions, and we've got Blu-Ray porn running all day."

He said that they've revised their projected client totals for the year and they also plan to restart their marketing campaign to lure celebrity donors to the facility.

"The celebrity donors always generate a lot of interest, and our modest push last year was successful," he said. "But as great as it's been having Steven Baldwin stop by two or three times a week, I think we can bring in a few others."

Duncan has also extended the invitation to members of Congress. He's purchased engraved cups especially for them, and he hopes they'll make another donation on top of the giant wad they've already given him.

EVERYONE IS JUMPING ON BOARD TO COLLECT GOVERNMENT BAILOUT

Congress Considers Teenager Bailout Plan

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Separate measures before the House and the Senate that would provide $600 million to help bail out America's teenage population could be voted on as early as next week. The biggest hurdle facing each bill is a rider stipulating that the teens must perform chores in order to receive their share of the bailout.

"This will address one of the central problems plaguing our financial system," President Bush said as he announced his support of the bailout. "Teens have been unable to borrow money from their parents and that has constricted their ability to spend at their normal pace."

Bush said with the jobless rate nearing record highs and teenager confidence hitting record lows, America's youth are finding allowances slashed and curfews shortened as parents struggle not only to keep their families afloat financially but also keep their children from "being bored out of their skulls."

"Let's face it - a teenager's spending habits have far-reaching ramifications," said Sen. Mike Crapo (R-ID). "When teens don't have money to spend, we feel it at the malls, at the movies, at the liquor stores.

"Sure, we could just earmark the funds for those industries directly," Crapo noted, "but by funneling the money through our teenagers, it also helps keep them out of our hair."

According to polls conducted on various social networking sites, teenagers are overwhelmingly in favor of the bailout, although poor reading comprehension and mathematical skills are lending to a variety of interpretations as to just how beneficial the government assistance will be.

"I'm really hoping this money will help me land on my feet," said 16-year-old Shawn Westover, whose parents recently dropped him off at a hospital in Omaha, Neb. and then sped away. "If not, a new Xbox 360 would be pretty cool."

Mothers Against Everything, outspoken critics of the measure, say the reasons being given in support of the bill are the exact same reasons why it should be soundly defeated. MAE spokesperson Darlene Fortenski said they chose the confusing non-argument argument approach because "we're mothers and that's what mothers do."

Proponents of the measure say if it is successful, the move could pave the way for a tooth fairy bailout bill that has been stuck in committee for the past month.

ROSS WREDE REQUESTS $1 BILLION FROM GOVERNMENT BAILOUT

Ross Wrede, an upstanding citizen and usually a real nice guy, contacted his congressional delegation today requesting one billion dollars from the federal government's $700 billion bailout.

"If the automakers, banks, and just about every business in America can get a piece of the big pie, I figure I might as well get my part of the action too." said Mr. Wrede from his Beaverton, OR home. " One billion dollars would pay off my mortgage and a few other bills I have. With Christmas coming up, I could buy some great gifts for my friends and family. I'd do my best to stimulate the retail sector which has been in the doldrums as of late."

Oregon Congressman David Wu who represents Mr. Wrede was unavailable for comment. Oregon Senator Ron Wyden made this brief statement: "Sounds like a great idea to me. I wonder if I can apply for some of this money too. I will have to check that out."